Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
