the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Randomize
