Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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