Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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