it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
