Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
