No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
