Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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