So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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