Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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