and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
