New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
