I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
