i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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