The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
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