is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
