remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
