I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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