New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
