I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize