she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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