I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
