Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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