My underwear smells like fireworks.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I forgot how hot balto sounded
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I can't put those talents on a resume
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
