Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
