Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
