I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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