i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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