end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
