70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Did you pee in the oven last night??
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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