she woke up with a sticky ear
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
So many bounce houses so little time
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
