I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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