I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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