This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
