I'm going to jail i love you
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
