I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
