her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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