Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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