I just threw up on my dentist
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
