Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
