so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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