a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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