my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
