just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
