you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
