I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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