Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
