You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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