I will die if light touches me.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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