Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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