Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
