it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
We are all done wearing pants today
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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