there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
