You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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