my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
