I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize