My friends, they love my intelligence
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
It was confusing and full of hummus
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
