your thong is hanging out like whoa
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
