my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
