you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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